Roseanne

(1988)

'Roseanne' Season 9 Episodes

Roseanne - Season 9

Roseanne - Season 9

This is a list of episodes for the ninth and final season of Roseanne.

Roseanne S9E1
Episode 1  •  September 17th, 1996

Call Waiting

After their big fight, Dan leaves dozens of messages for Roseanne on Jackie's answering machine, trying to reconcile. Jackie reminds Roseanne that they have "scientifically picked" numbers for that night's drawing. Roseanne sits down to watch TV but begins to daydream that she and Dan are characters in "That Girl," "Mary Tyler Moore" and "I Dream of Jeannie." In the meantime Jackie watches the Lotto drawing and sees that their number is the winner.

Roseanne S9E2
Episode 2  •  September 24th, 1996

Millions from Heaven

Jackie rushes over to the Conners' to let them know that they've just won the lottery prize of $108 million. Everyone is stunned, but they soon begin fantasizing about how they'll spend the money. When they arrive at the lottery office with the ticket, their win is confirmed, but they learn that they'll have to wait several weeks to receive the first check. The Conners are interviewed by Kathleen Sullivan and are besieged by the press. Friends call with crackpot business schemes and others contact them claiming to be long lost relatives. But Dan tells Roseanne that no matter what, they'll still be the same two people they always were.

Roseanne S9E3
Episode 3  •  October 1st, 1996

What a Day for a Daydream

Everyone wants a piece of the Conner family since they've won the lottery -- the mayor has even called Roseanne and asked her to ride on a float in the Thanksgiving Day parade. Roseanne fantasizes that the Conners are on the Jerry Springer show, that she and Jackie do a photo shoot for Hugh Hefner, and that she wins the Miss Universe pageant. Roseanne comes out of her daydream and, in the credit tag, the stage manager enters with a cake to commemorate the show's 200th episode.

Roseanne S9E4
Episode 4  •  October 8th, 1996

Honor Thy Mother

Dan's friends and family wonder what's up when he begins pondering the meaning of life. Everyone assumes he's in a pensive mood because he's won so much money in the lottery. When Dan skips Monday night football and starts spackling the living room walls at eleven o'clock at night, Roseanne demands an explanation. Dan says he feels like he's been a lousy son. His mother is in a psychiatric hospital and he hasn't done a thing for her. He tells Roseanne he's planning a trip to take his mother to a place in California where she can get an in-depth diagnosis.

Roseanne S9E5
Episode 5  •  October 15th, 1996

Someday My Prince Will Come

Prince Carlos of Moldavia sees Kathleen Sullivan's interview of the Conner family and decides that he has to meet Jackie. He arrives at the Lanford Lunchbox and introduces himself to Jackie who thinks it's all a joke until Leon sees the stretch limo outside and tells Jackie that Carlos is for real. Carlos tells Jackie he wants to fly her to New York for dinner in his private plane. Jackie accepts, and Carlos agrees to take the entire family and Leon along. They dine and dance at the Rainbow Room, and Jackie tells Roseanne that she thinks she's in love. Later, Roseanne takes Carlos aside to make sure his intentions are honorable.

Roseanne S9E6
Episode 6  •  October 22nd, 1996

Pampered to a Pulp

Roseanne and Jackie check in to an exclusive beauty spa and receive a less than optimistic evaluation. They get seaweed wraps, facials and waxes. They hike and take a yoga class until Roseanne is screaming for mercy and for food. In the regression room, Roseanne experiences a past life as Xena, the warrior princess, and later, she and Jackie are transformed with wonderful cosmetics and a high fashion wardrobe.

Roseanne S9E7
Episode 7  •  October 29th, 1996

Satan, Darling

Roseanne, Jackie and Nancy attend a high society party in New York for the launch of a new perfume. They are surrounded by celebrities and society people who prove to be a bunch of name-dropping phonies. They encounter Patsy and Edina at the party where Edina is determined to get Roseanne to part with a lot of her new-found wealth. The women attend a ceremony of a coven of witches who tell Roseanne that her daughter, Darlene, is like "Rosemary's Baby" and Satan wants to claim her. Roseanne takes a stand and defeats them. She later wakes up and realizes she's been dreaming, after having consumed ten martinis.

Roseanne S9E8
Episode 8  •  November 12th, 1996

Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti

Astrid Wentworth (who Roseanne and Jackie met at a party) takes Roseanne's clan home to meet her family. Roseanne's amazed at both the opulent surroundings and how repressed everyone is. They wear eight different outfits a day, begin drinking at ten a.m., keep huge stashes of prescription drugs, eat the finest foods and never express a single emotion. While Roseanne is discovering that the butler is the only person she can really talk to, the youngest Wentworth daughter, Kiki, is trying to seduce D.J. Dinner with the Wentworths is a stuffy and confusing ordeal, but by the end of her visit, Roseanne has taught Doris, Astrid's mother, that screaming is healthier than using pills.

Roseanne S9E9
Episode 9  •  November 19th, 1996

Roseambo

The Conners go to Washington to visit Dr. Bakshi, whom they met when visiting the Wentworths (9608). En route, they are taken hostage when the train they are all riding on is attacked by terrorists from the country of Monostan. Roseanne is separated from the others because she refuses to keep her mouth shut, and she encounters a Monostan woman who seems anxious to bond with her. Roseanne has nothing but contempt for a country that would so blatantly treat its women as inferiors. Though their real target is Bakshi, the terrorists vow that all the hostages will die within a few hours. Roseanne realizes that it's up to her to defeat the terrorists, so she saves herself and rescues the hostages "Rambo" style.

Roseanne S9E10
Episode 10  •  November 26th, 1996

Home is Where the Afghan Is

Roseanne is depressed that Dan won't be home for Thanksgiving. But she's elated that for the first time ever, she won't have to cook since she's having the meal catered. And though she's surrounded by her family, it doesn't quite feel like home with all the new furniture and the big screen TV. Leon and Scott are there for the festivities and even Prince Carlos arrives to be with Jackie. Leon and Scott's announcement that they're thinking of adopting a child sends Bev off on a tirade. It becomes evident that what she most objects to is two men raising a child because she can't stand men. She admits, to everyone's amazement, that she's attracted to women! Later, Roseanne tells Jackie that even with their millions, money doesn't buy happiness. They load up the huge quantity of leftover food, take it to the homeless shelter, and help serve Thanksgiving dinner.

Roseanne S9E11
Episode 11  •  December 3rd, 1996

Mothers and Other Strangers

Roseanne is missing Dan terribly, and it doesn't help that Jackie spends all her time giggling on the phone with the prince. Roseanne's worried that with all her redecorating, Dan won't recognize the place -- and that he'll miss home the way it used to be. But Jackie reassures her that the house will be okay with Dan as long as Roseanne's in it. Bev's having a tough time understanding her newly discovered self and goes with Leon and Scott to visit Nana Mary to get some answers. Scott and Leon are astonished by all of Bev's mother's antiques and original art, and her stories of her escapades with everyone from Picasso to Fidel Castro. Nana Mary tells Bev that they may not have had the most orthodox life, but she sacrificed her dreams to make a life for Bev. Bev's method of rebellion, Nana Mary says, was to become sanctimonious and uptight. Nana Mary tells Bev to lighten up and remember that life has a lot more questions than it has answers.

Roseanne S9E12
Episode 12  •  December 17th, 1996

Home for the Holidays

Dan is finally home from his trip to California, and is amazed at the changes in the Conner family lifestyle that have taken place in his absence. Roseanne is thrilled to have Dan home, but notices that he doesn't seem to be quite himself. He's evasive when she suggest that they take a vacation together alone, and when she asks if anything's wrong, he says it must be "jet lag." Darlene and David face a challenge when they go shopping for toys for their soon-to-arrive child -- they want things that are fun, but also non-violent. The family gives each other wonderful, expensive gifts for Christmas, and they're delighted that, for once, they didn't have to go into debt to buy them. And Jackie gets the shock of her life when she overhears Dan on the phone telling someone he misses her, and realizes he isn't talking to his mother.

Roseanne S9E13
Episode 13  •  January 7th, 1997

Say It Ain't So

Jackie confronts Dan about the phone conversation she overheard, and Dan admits that he's been having a relationship with his mother's nurse. They haven't slept together and Dan still loves Roseanne, but he doesn't know what to do. Jackie tells him if he doesn't tell Roseanne immediately, she will. Roseanne reads in the tabloids that Prince Carlos has married his chambermaid. When she breaks the news to Jackie, at first Jackie thinks Roseanne's talking about the situation with Dan. D.J. asks Darlene if he can video tape her giving birth. Darlene wants no part of it even though David thinks it's a great idea. It becomes a moot point, however, when D.J. can't even watch a childbirth video without passing out. Roseanne confronts Dan about his infidelity, and says he need not worry about doing his "duty" to his family.

Roseanne S9E14
Episode 14  •  January 14th, 1997

Hit the Road, Jack

Dan's getting ready to fly back to California, while Roseanne is driving all around Lanford buying fast food, stuffing herself in misery, and listening to radio talk shows. D.J. tells Dan he knows something bad is going on and wants to talk about it, but Dan refuses to give him a straight answer. Later, D.J. goes to the video store and meets Heather, a teenage girl who shares his love of independent films and filmmakers. They go to her house to watch videos, and they talk about how screwed up their families are. Dan calls Roseanne in the car. He's at the airport and wants to talk, but Roseanne can't think of anything to say. She hangs up and then calls Jackie to come get her.

Roseanne S9E15
Episode 15  •  January 28th, 1997

The War Room

In deep depression, Roseanne takes to her bed. She's stuffing herself with junk food and will only let Jackie in long enough to bring more food. Everyone, including D.J.'s new friend Heather, tries their hand at "intervention." Nancy tries New Age treatments with crystals, and decides Roseanne has a spiritual problem to work through. Leon, David, Darlene, Mark and Jackie all try their own methods of consolation, and all seem to fail. Just when everyone is ready to admit defeat, Roseanne walks in and admits they have all inspired her. It's time to get on with her life and take care of business. She suggests that Jackie and she give their shares of the diner to Leon and Nancy.

Roseanne S9E16
Episode 16  •  February 11th, 1997

Lanford's Elite (1)

When Roseanne and Jackie are invited to a luncheon at the exclusive Lanford Country Club, they're a little nervous. But their curiosity gets the better of them and they decide to attend. Lanford's "elite" is at the luncheon, and they waste no time approaching Roseanne about investment deals, charitable donations and campaign contributions. They meet Edgar Wellman Jr., the disinherited son of a plastics tycoon who ran a factory where both Roseanne and Jackie once worked. He invites them to go with him to the old family mansion where Edgar confesses that he needs Roseanne's help. The factory is on the brink of financial collapse, and he wants Roseanne to help save it before all the workers are laid off. She agrees to call her attorney to ask about an employee buy-out.

Roseanne S9E17
Episode 17  •  February 11th, 1997

Some Enchanted Merger (2)

Roseanne has spent so much time with Edgar Wellman, that Jackie accuses her of having a crush on him. At first Roseanne denies it, but eventually admits she finds him extremely attractive though far too worldly and sophisticated to ever be interested in her. D.J.'s frustrations in his new friendship with Heather offer Mark the opportunity to expound at length on male-female relationships. Roseanne has a fantasy of herself as Evita speaking to the employees at the Wellman factory with Edgar at her side, dressed as Juan Peron. Even though their business is complete, Roseanne and Edgar decide they'd still like to spend time together. When Roseanne gets home at four a.m., and Jackie's waiting up for her, she assures Jackie that they did nothing but talk.

Roseanne S9E18
Episode 18  •  February 18th, 1997

A Second Chance

Dan comes to the house to pick up Jerry while Roseanne is out. He asks Jackie about Roseanne and Edgar Wellman, and she admits they have feelings for each other. Later, Dan returns to tell Roseanne he loves her and wants to reconcile. Eventually, she agrees they belong together. They go for a drive and, upon returning home, get a call from Jackie saying she's taken Darlene to the hospital in premature labor. Dan and Roseanne spend the night at the hospital and, when Jackie arrives the next morning, it's apparent to her that they've reconciled. The doctor tells them that Darlene's contractions have started again, and the only thing that can possibly stop them is a drug with potentially serious side effects. Darlene is determined to take the drug and avoid delivering a premature baby.

Roseanne S9E19
Episode 19  •  February 25th, 1997

The Miracle

When David finally arrives at the hospital, Darlene has taken the drug and has had no contractions for two hours. But her water breaks and she's rushed to the delivery room to deliver a baby girl with very little hope of survival. Dan and Roseanne fly in two specialists who agree that everything that can be done has been. The doctor suggests that some people let nature take its course. Roseanne thinks that maybe they should approach this from another angle - with love, not machines and specialists. Darlene, Roseanne, Jackie, Becky and Bev hold the baby girl and welcome her into the world. Darlene says that everyone in the world, no matter for how short a time, deserves a name - and name's her Harris Conner Healy.

Roseanne S9E20
Episode 20  •  March 4th, 1997

Roseanne-Feld

Mark gives D.J. a lecture about condoms. And when D.J. and Heather are about to go out, D.J. frantically searches for condoms in Dan's sock drawer. Later that evening he and Heather agree that they're not yet ready for a sexual relationship. Bev invites Leon and Scott over to meet Joyce, her new girlfriend, and they're impressed. Meanwhile, Jackie goes with Mark to the Lanford Armory to see some women's wrestling matches. Things get rowdy and Jackie finds herself in the ring with the "Black Widow." After the match, Mark and Jackie take Black Widow home to the Conners where Roseanne is thrilled to meet her.

Roseanne S9E21
Episode 21  •  March 18th, 1997

The Truth Be Told

Roseanne and Jackie are disturbed about the feeding frenzy among the media since the Conners won the lottery. They're amazed that many of the stories are outright lies. But they're extremely excited about the bidding war for rights to the Conners' story for a TV movie, and Roseanne and Jackie agonize about what they should wear to the meeting. At the meeting Roseanne learns that the producers' main concern is ratings and they want gorgeous actors to portray the Conners, and are anxious to bend the truth to make a more interesting story. They let Roseanne know that the Conners' blue collar existence is not what will get viewers to tune in. Meanwhile, a tabloid reporter pays a call on Bev, Joyce and Leon, and they naively reveal a wealth of information about Roseanne's life and past.

Roseanne S9E22
Episode 22  •  May 13th, 1997

Arsenic and Old Mom

Audrey, Dan's mother, shows up at the Conner house in the middle of the night and tells everyone that she's been released from the mental hospital. Dan calls her doctor who assures him she's fine as long as the takes her medication regularly. It isn't long before Dan realizes that his mother is trying to kill him! She locks him in the garage with his motorcycle running and tries to bash him over the head with a piece of sculpture while he's asleep as she continually talks to him about his childhood transgressions. She blames him for having spent so much time in the mental hospital. But order is restored when Audrey gets to a doctor and her medication is tripled.

Roseanne S9E23
Episode 23  •  May 20th, 1997

Into That Good Night (1)

Roseanne and Dan are delighted that Darlene, David and their new daughter, Harris Conner Healy, will be staying with them. D.J. has grudgingly given up his room for them and is moving to the basement. He says he'll have more room to work on his film projects, but reminds Roseanne he was supposed to get her writing room. The family talks about their life after winning the lottery, glad that part of their lives is over. They order out for pizza and Roseanne suggests saying grace to thank God that Harris beat the odds and that they're all together. Everyone comes by to welcome Harris home: Bev, Leon, Scott and Nancy. They're all pleased when Leon and Scott announce that they've adopted a threeyear- old Romanian girl, and it's revealed that Becky has just learned she's pregnant but has yet to tell the family. And as the extended family gathers around the kitchen table for take-out food, Roseanne looks at each one of them and reflects.

Roseanne S9E24
Episode 24  •  May 20th, 1997

Into That Good Night (2)

Roseanne and Dan are delighted that Darlene, David and their new daughter, Harris Conner Healy, will be staying with them. D.J. has grudgingly given up his room for them and is moving to the basement. He says he'll have more room to work on his film projects, but reminds Roseanne he was supposed to get her writing room. The family talks about their life after winning the lottery, glad that part of their lives is over. They order out for pizza and Roseanne suggests saying grace to thank God that Harris beat the odds and that they're all together. Everyone comes by to welcome Harris home: Bev, Leon, Scott and Nancy. They're all pleased when Leon and Scott announce that they've adopted a threeyear- old Romanian girl, and it's revealed that Becky has just learned she's pregnant but has yet to tell the family. And as the extended family gathers around the kitchen table for take-out food, Roseanne looks at each one of them and reflects.

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