'Malcolm in the Middle' Season 2 Episodes
“Traffic Jam (2)”
As if the lifetime ban from the water park wasn't bad enough, the car ride home sucked. It was so hot my skin was sticking to the seat, plus we had to run the heater to keep the radiator from boiling over. It must've been, like, 110 degrees! Then a truck jackknifed in front of us, which was actually kinda cool.
Francis says that as long as you carry the spirit of vandalism and destruction in your heart, every day is Halloween. According to him -- and he's the expert -- Halloween isn't a holiday, it's a state of mind. Reese and I tried our best, but without Francis, Halloween sucked. Luckily, he came home the following week and brought the coolest thing ever.
I'm pretty sure that when you make your own mom run away from home, it makes you a bad son. It wasn't entirely my fault. I mean, she gave Reese and Dewey and me money to buy her a birthday present and all three of us spent most of it on candy. I thought she'd like the eyeglass repair kit. Guess not.
I knew going to dinner with Stevie's family was a bad idea, but Mom thought that maybe some of their sophistication would rub off on us. Wrong. It was going okay until Reese let Stevie in on the circle game.
I should know by now that when my parents say "vacation" they really mean "disaster." We were going to spend two days at this great resort on an Indian reservation. All Mom wanted to do was relax and Dad couldn't wait to try out his latest gambling techniques. Reese and I were totally ready to hang out at the pool.
At first, when Mom and Dad said they were making us have a babysitter for two days, Reese and I put up a fight. We booby-trapped the entire house with snakes, firecrackers and other cool and dangerous stuff. Then we saw her -- the most beautiful girl ever and her name was Patty.
I never would've guessed so much could happen on a school night. I was enjoying my favorite part of the day: the twilight between school ending and parents coming home. The time when kids rule the earth. Then Dad came home all excited about something he found in the trash. It was this huge, junky armoire that he wanted to fix up for Mom for their anniversary. Naturally, we all had to help.
As if school wasn't miserable enough, the Krelboyne class just had Medieval Week. We all had to wear these lame costumes -- Mom made me a jester hat out of socks and Christmas bells. Talk about humiliating. Plus, we all had to learn this stupid Harvest Dance to perform in front of the entire school. I was willing do anything to get out of it, and then I got a great idea.
“High School Play”
People just assume that the Krelboynes are social rejects with nothing to do but volunteer for their stupid projects. Okay, so it's true. Like the other day, this cute girl from the high school asked for a volunteer to be in the high school play. When I found out it meant getting out of class for two weeks, I was the first one to raise my hand. Actually, I was the only one.
Reese finally figured out a way to beat the snot out of people without getting in trouble. He joined the wrestling team and he was actually good at it. We were just getting used to the whole "being proud of Reese" thing, when it completely fell apart. In the middle of this big match, Reese had to wrestle a girl, which normally wouldn't be a big deal, except that he lost. And he didn't just lose, but he got totally humiliated in front of the entire school. I felt bad, but at the same time, it gave me material for years to come.
“Old Mrs. Old”
You know how there's always one mean old lady in the neighborhood who hates kids? Ours is Mrs. Griffin. The other day a bunch of us were playing some game that Reese invented when I whacked the ball into Mrs. Griffin's yard. Normally when that happens, we just get another ball. But this time, I decided to hop the fence and get it back. It was a matter of principal.
Starting my week debating boxers versus briefs with my mom should've been a sign of other horribly humiliating things to come. There was this new girl in the Krelboyne class -- Cynthia. She was kinda weird, but what Krelboyne isn't? I mean, she made up this bizarre story about her family and had a strange laugh. Plus, her hair was always a mess and she burped a lot. I really wasn't sure what to make of her.
I used to think the house next door was haunted and that's why we got new neighbors so often. This past week made me think that maybe it was us.
I can't believe I never noticed that Dad got up every morning and went to a job that he hated with every fiber of his being. I honestly don't think he realized it either, until he volunteered to speak to Dewey's class on Career Day. At first he was really excited and even made me come and help with all his pie charts and stuff. But when the little 6-year-olds kept asking him why he works at such a boring job, he kinda lost it. One kid made him cry. The next day, Dad quit!
I don't see my mom's parents very much and I'm starting to think that's a good thing. They drove down from Canada to "surprise" us and, well, it was more like a shock. I guess I didn't remember how "foreign" they are.
It was a day that will live forever in history. It's the day that I found proof that Mom was wrong. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. She was actually wrong, for at least a week, anyway.
Bacon day is not the day you want to be sick. It's first come, first served and I was determined to get my share, but my stomach really hurt. I told Mom, but she thought I was trying to get out of school. So, when I was still complaining on Saturday, she rushed me to the emergency room.
Remember Cynthia? She was the new Krelboyne girl that had some weird obsession with me. And then I, uh, threw the brick through her window. Well, she decided to have a party. The thing is, Krelboynes don't have parties. I mean, it's like an unwritten law or something. And if they do have parties, only Krelboynes come and then, what's the point?
We call it Level 4 rage. When mom reaches that point there are only two ways to survive: You must avoid sudden movements and all eye contact. She and Francis were arguing over fixing the roof. See, dad's afraid of heights, so mom told Francis to climb up there, but he didn't want to. Anyway, it wasn't long before she turned her attention to Reese.
Sometimes I wonder how different a day would be if just one decision was changed. Like, the other night there was this bowling party with some kids from school - including this totally hot girl, Beth. Now either mom could drive me and Reese or dad could. Depending on which one of them drove, the night could be totally fun, or a total disaster.
“Malcolm vs. Reese”
Usually, when Francis is home anything is fun. But this time, we were in a slump. Dewey was busy catsitting for Craig's precious cat, Jellybean, so we didn't have him around to torture. And Francis wasn't up for the usual prankster stuff. Then, he scored tickets to the "Rage in the Cage" wrestling match. Reese and I were totally excited - until we realized he only had two tickets. Francis had decided to entertain himself by watching Reese and I compete for the chance to see grown men in stupid costumes attack each other. I had to win!
Craig has been living here ever since we burned his house down, and he's driving us all crazy. And really, I had nothing to do with the house burning down, so why am I being punished? Plus, when dad left for father/son weekend at Francis' school, Craig decided he was the man of the house. Yeah, right.
When Reese, Stevie and I realized that the Tri-County Fair was only in town for one more night, we knew we had to go. I never would've guessed that Stevie would come up with the perfect plan: the double alibi. It's the classic sleepover scam. Reese and I said we were staying at Stevie's and Stevie told his parents he was staying with us. (The Kenarbans were a tough sell, but Stevie used the old "it'll make me feel more normal" speech). It was all going smoothly, until Dewey overheard us and blackmailed his way into the deal.
I knew I was supposed to be home to help dad and Reese with the new couch. But Stevie and I were in the zone. We were cranking on our geometry homework and actually got two weeks ahead. I was an hour late, but c'mon it was for school! Mom totally overreacted and grounded me for two weeks. No phone. No television. No friends. And no dessert. It was so unfair. I stormed off to my room, while dad and Dewey went to take the old couch to the dump.
This week, mom and dad were fighting a lot. It really didn't bother me, Reese or Francis, but Dewey was kinda worried. He thought mom and dad might get a divorce. I tried to reassure him that mom and dad always find a way to work things out. Like, I remember mom telling us about how each of us were born - and how, almost every time, her and dad were fighting over something.