'Family Guy' Season 3 Episodes
Family Guy - Season 3
Peter Griffin is the father of this not-quite-so-average family unit of middle-class New Englanders. Lois is Peter's loving wife who struggles to maintain a modicum of normalcy in their home life.
“The Thin White Line”
At a company picnic, Mr. Weed, Peter's boss, announces a competition, in which he will hunt down the employees, with tranquilizer darts. Mr. Weed says he has enough tranquilizer darts "to take out Robert Downey, Jr." . Weed's audience reacts with umbrage to the remark, sympathizing with Downey's drug problems. Peter is the last one standing and wins a paid vacation.
As the family gets ready to go on a cruise, Joe recognizes the strength of Brian's nose and offers him a job as a police dog to look for drugs. Brian proves instrumental in busting a midget gang's drug ring.
When the cops go to the airport to greet Quagmire (who had been making love with two Filipino women and a man who Quagmire thought was another woman), Brian sniffs out a bystander who is secretly carrying cocaine and his reputation grows. But when Brian scents the drugs, he accidentally inhales them and becomes addicted.
When Lois discovers that Brian got addicted to drugs and goes to rehab, she insists that the family has to cancel the vacation to help Brian. Peter, however, joins Brian at the rehab center because he couldn't go on vacation. Peter causes chaos and distress, like causing premature births in pregnant teens.
After leaving the center, Brian stuns the family when he announces that he is leaving Quahog, to move in with his cousin, Jasper, in California. This sets the stage for the next episode, "Brian Does Hollywood."
“Brian Does Hollywood”
The episode continues where "The Thin White Line" left off, introduced with a fake "Previously on Family Guy..." sequence, showing action-packed events which never actually occurred, parodying Hollywood thrillers, with the only factual item being Brian's leaving in "The Thin White Line".
To pursue his screenwriting ambition, Brian moves to Los Angeles, California, where he stays with his gay cousin Jasper. After some menial jobs, such as waiter, and car washer, he lands a director job for pornographic movies, though at first he does not understand it is x-rated. His first work resembles Bang the Drum Slowly, "except the drum’s a chick."
Stewie auditions for Kids Say the Darndest Things in order to unleash a mind control device, and the family goes to Los Angeles, forcing Brian to keep up appearances. The Griffins dine at the Musso & Frank Grill, an actual Hollywood attraction. Brian is correct that writers Ernest Hemingway and William Faulkner drank there. While sightseeing, Peter is beaten by the cops in the manner of Rodney King and Meg points out the gutter the cops laughed in when Eddie Murphy gave the excuse about the transvestite.
On Kids Say the Darndest Things, host Bill Cosby grabs Stewie's device and unwittingly foils his plot. While hypnotized by Cosby, Stewie says Cosby's film "Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6", another Cosby film. He also says he likes pudding; which Cosby has advertised for.
Brian ends up into his career, making several movies. Some of the movies are Add Momma to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo, You've Got Male Genitalia, and Shaving Private Ryan are spoofs of actual films Throw Momma from the Train, The Purple Rose of Cairo, You’ve Got Mail and Saving Private Ryan. The family tries to visit Brian's set, mistaking it for a regular movie. Brian throws them out.
Jasper tells the Griffins the truth about Brian's job. Peter and Lois arrive at the Woodies, the porn version of the Oscars, just in time for Brian to accept his award.
At the end of the episode, Peter kidnaps Jenna Jameson, ties her up, gags her and takes her home with him.
“Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”
Peter is almost fired from the toy factory for skipping work to go to a Boston Red Sox baseball game with his family, but the El Dorado Cigarette Company takes over the toy factory and Peter is retained.
El Dorado immediately starts making toys to promote underage smoking. Lois and the others grow concerned and prod Peter to confront the management about it, but when he does, the El Dorado board makes Peter president of the toy company to distract him. Included with the new jobs are perks that make the Griffins, including Lois, forget their opposition. Two such perks are a micro-thin coating of Teflon on the inside of the house to make it easier to clean and Martha Stewart as a housekeeper. Brian, however, is not swayed, and pledges to quit smoking.
El Dorado holds a meeting and decide that the only way to communicate with the idiots in Congress is to send someone just as dumb, and they decide to send Peter. He makes friends on Capitol Hill, such as Bob Dole. He gladhands Senators, even taking some to a strip club. Meanwhile, back at home, Lois is horrified when she catches Stewie smoking and remembers the company's abuses, and she and Stewie follow Peter to Washington, D.C.. Peter is easily able to communicate with the Congressmen (convincing them simply by saying "come on"). Peter prepares to deliver his speech on the floors of Congress assembled, but when he hears Stewie's hacking cough, he himself remembers the evils of smoking and tells Congress to reject El Dorado's proposal. Congress agrees and decides to sue the company with an impossibly heavy fine (after Peter resigns as president, of course). The episode ends with a reminder from the cast of Family Guy about the risks of killing strippers.
“One If by Clam, Two If by Sea”
Flashbacks at the beginning establish that Peter has been working at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory and going to The Drunken Clam regularly since at least 1977.
A hurricane strikes Quahog. While the family hides, Peter plays "What I Did for Love" from the musical A Chorus Line on wine glasses. The Griffin's house suffers cosmetic damage. Afterwards, a tour of the town shows much destruction.
Though The Drunken Clam was undamaged, the bar's owner, Horace, sells it. An Englishman named Nigel Pinchley turns it into a British pub. Upset over the loss of their favorite bar and failing to find another one, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe try to start their own American revolution at the pub by spraying beer in front of the patrons. However, the British use their linguistic skills to convince them to leave. The men are not swayed completely and storm a British ship in an attempt to recreate the Boston Tea Party with beer.
When the pub mysteriously burns down that night, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe are thrown in jail. Even worse, the meanest criminal Joe ever put away plans to kill him and the others at midnight on Saturday. Lois, Loretta, and Bonnie are unable to believe their husbands would burn down their favorite hangout. Lois suspects Nigel is the culprit and plans to trick him into confessing that he torched his own pub for the dual goals of insurance money and to send Peter and the others to jail. Her plans involve Bonnie and Loretta overhearing as witnesses. Lois entraps Nigel in his study, thinking she has spotted Bonnie and Loretta hiding. She gets Nigel to confess everything. However, she has mistaken a globe for Bonnie's pregnant stomach and the hair of Demond Wilson, star of the 1970s sitcom Sanford and Son for that of Loretta. However, Nigel's insurance agent was in his closet and overheard everything. The men are rescued moments before the madman arrives to kill them. As soon as he does, he takes the time he has by himself to rethink his life.
Meanwhile, in a parody of the musical My Fair Lady, Stewie tries to teach Eliza, Nigel's daughter, to overcome her "common" Cockney accent and speak "proper" English, one of the lessons based on Stewie's matricidal efforts. He wagers with Brian that she will be a proper lady at her birthday party (though Brian does not seem to go through with it). Eliza does admirably... until she wets herself in front of everybody.
The men and their wives celebrate their success at The Drunken Clam, which Horace has bought back and returned to normal. Nigel is hanged at the Tower of London back in England, and Eliza gets sent to an orphanage. She sends Stewie a letter threatening to kill Lois if she gets out, wanting revenge and possibly knowing Stewie would enjoy it, which he does.
“And the Wiener is...”
Peter is sure that Chris will never beat him at anything, from skating races to video games to stacking dinnerware on top of his head. But when Peter and Chris go to the sauna, Chris takes off his towel and Peter suddenly discovers that he has a bigger penis than him. Suddenly insecure, Peter buys a long, red, penis-like car which he drives and reverses in and out of a tunnel imitating sexual penetration, and joins the National Gun Association (parodying the National Rifle Association) because he thinks that it will make up for the size of his own penis. On a hunting trip, a bear attack Peter and Chris, and Peter gazes back on his life. It is said that right before the hunting trip, Peter passed the 4th grade. On that hunting trip with Chris he realizes that being a man is about bravery and not size when Chris drives away a bear that threatened to kill them both.
Meanwhile, Meg tries out for cheerleading but is accepted into the flag girl squad instead. The other members are drastically different, ranging from hideously ugly to deformed. As her squad performs, several of the “cooler” kids rig a device that pelts Meg with rotten meat. Lois devises a plan for revenge, which with Meg is reluctant at first, but goes along with Lois’s cunning ideas. Meg makes friends with Connie, but this doesn’t last, as Connie and her friends trick Meg. Thinking she was going to kiss a popular boy while locked in a closet, Meg instead finds herself, in front of all the others, kissing a pig, held by the popular boy. Lois, knowing they were just going to embrass Meg again, sends Quagmire to molest Connie, scarring her for life.
On their wedding anniversary, Peter sends Lois on a scavenger hunt so he can go play golf at Barrington. There, he is struck by lightning, soils himself and has a near-death experience. Death tries to show Peter that his marriage is in trouble; in exchange Peter helps Death get a date with a pet shop clerk, named Amy.
The initial visit by Death to Amy's shop has gone badly, because the animals inside do not like Death and go crazy.
Death takes Peter back in time to his courtship of Lois. Peter did not make a good impression on Lois’s father, Carter Pewterschmidt, who knocked Peter out with an early Etruscan statue and had his servants drop him off a plane into the ocean.
He was rescued by the U.S. Navy ship which Quagmire served on. Quagmire introduces himself as an ensign, though he is not wearing the appropriate uniform. Peter enjoys a rousing musical number performed by Quagmire and his shipmates. Back ashore, Peter gets a ride with Cleveland back to Rhode Island. Cleveland's vehicle is a van tricked out for seduction, it is even named "Hot Chocolate." They are pursued by members of the Ku Klux Klan whom Peter mistakes for ghosts. Peter literally ends up rolling into Carter's private sauna. Carter offers Peter one million dollars to stay away from his daughter. Peter tears up the check, declaring Lois "worthless." Lois, who has heard, comes in to thank Peter.
Death manages to score a date with Amy by talking to her outside of the shop. Peter realizes that he has not appreciated his wife as much recently and once he's back in his body, he asks Death to pay a visit to Peter Frampton.
When Death arrives at Framption's house to persuade him to visit the golf course, Frampton protests, saying that Death should be "at Keith Richards' house" (a joke Frampton himself pitched, according to the DVD commentary). Death also asks Frampton to bring "the thing that makes your guitar go ‘wah wah wah'" (referencing Frampton's famous use of a talk box to make his guitar "talk").
Lois discovers Peter at the golf course and prepares to confront him, but Frampton appears, playing "Baby, I Love Your Way", which is "their" song. Peter presents this as his anniversary gift to her. Lois is deeply moved, asking Peter how he thought of all this; Peter responds by saying he had help from "a very special friend." At the end of the episode, however, Death does not enjoy his date with Amy, as she harps on about animal rights. He then discreetly kills her.
The quiet of Quahog is disrupted when the leaves start turning fall colors and "leafers" from New York invade town.
Bonnie invites Lois to a Tae Jitsu class where Lois quickly advances to black belt. Peter exploits Lois' fighting abilities to drive the leafers back to New York. This gets Lois aggressive enough to challenge and successfully beat her teacher.
Her victory over her teacher makes her so assertive she immediately kisses Peter and then grabs him by the crotch, to which she claims ownership (the gender opposite of what O.J. Simpson was reported to have done to his late wife ). That night Lois rapes Peter, who is too frightened to object.
The next morning, Peter feels emasculated and cries. While sharing his feelings with Brian, he eats graham crackers belonging to Stewie. Stewie promptly strikes Peter, with a baseball bat. Lois blames herself for serving as a bad role model, and decides to rid the family of anger.
Family therapy fails to rid Stewie of his rage issues (he bites the psychiatrist's ear in a manner reminiscent of Mike Tyson), and so does an attempt by Brian to convince them they've taken mood elevating drugs, when he really gave them placebos.
The family ends up in an all-out brawl to get it out of their system. They start to realize how ridiculous the fighting is after Peter gets his head stuck in a picture of a horse (the butt-end, of course), but continue fighting after Stewie hits Lois from behind with a chair.
Finally exhausted, and showing visible wear and bruises, they eventually blame the violence on TV. Peter wonders how come the government does not control television in order to stop its violence. He then blames "the network" (FOX) for allowing such violence on this very show. Lois nervously warns him not to badmouth the network. Peter doesn't seem afraid, not thinking their budget could be cut. He says he's going into the kitchen for a beer. He then exits in a very slow-transition-of-frame motion, implying that some vengeful network types just slashed the show's animation budget in retribution for his remarks.
“The Kiss Seen Around the World”
Channel 5 announces they want two high school interns, and Meg, who has a crush on news anchor Tom Tucker, applies and is selected entirely due to her relative ugliness. The other intern turns out to be Neil Goldman, who himself has a crush on Meg, though Meg finds him repulsive. When the Mass Media Murderer threatens to kill Hugh Downs atop City Hall, Tom and Diane decide to send the interns to cover the event (rather than go themselves, thinking that the Murderer will kill anyone who arrives at the scene). The news copter is shot down. Fearing death and lamenting that she never got her first kiss, Meg kisses Neil, but Hugh Downs captures the Mass Media Murderer. That very night, Neil puts the kiss on the news.
The next day, Neil gives everyone at school a T-shirt showing the kiss, and that evening Meg has to suffer through a dinner with his parents.
In return, Meg goes on TV to declare she hates Neil Goldman, and that she only kissed him was because she thought she was going to die. She then conducts on-the-street interviews, asking if anyone would kiss Neil. No one would; even when Meg shows the picture of Neil, to his father Mort, he shields his eyes in disgust. She declares that she never liked him, and never will.
A despondent Neil threatens to jump off the City Hall roof. Meg's image of Tom Tucker is shattered when she realizes he doesn't want to save Neil, but just get a funny story for ratings. Neil falls, but Meg breaks his fall. She tells him that just because she doesn't like him, it doesn't mean she wants him to kill himself. However, Neil said he never wanted to kill himself. At that moment, a guy calls him a phony.
Meanwhile, Peter and Lois buy Stewie a tricycle, which Stewie absolutely loves. A bully steals Stewie's tricycle. He gets no help from the police and, when he attempts to bulk up to fight the bully, a gym just tries to hard-sell him a membership. In retaliation, Stewie captures the bully with a net launcher and ties him up in the basement to interrogate him. However, just as Stewie is about to start torturing the bully, Lois appears with the tricycle, which she found abandoned on the street.
“Mr. Saturday Knight”
When Peter appears at Career Day for Chris's class, the kids are not impressed with his menial job at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory; even nerdy pharmacist Mort Goldman receives a better response. Peter begins to worry that he is stuck at a dead-end job within the company, so Lois encourages him to invite his boss, Mr. Weed, to dinner. First, to impress Mr. Weed, the children sing "So Long, Farewell" from the musical The Sound of Music. The occasion proceeds surprisingly well, and Mr. Weed is quite impressed with Peter's home, family and referred to Brian as the "funny talking dog". He compares Lois' cooking to Emeril Lagasse. When Mr. Weed mentions that he will promote Peter to head of toy development, Brian begins choking on a dinner roll. When Peter and Lois try to get it out with the Heimlich Maneuver, it ejects out of Brian's mouth and into Mr. Weed's, causing him to choke on it and die.
At Mr. Weed's funeral, Peter pathetically attempts to convince his co-workers of Mr. Weed's dying promise to promote him (via a mustachioed hand puppet). Mr. Weed's videotaped will, however, reveals that immediately after his death, the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory is to be demolished to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. As promised, the building is immediately razed and all workers are laid off.
Peter experiences difficulties in finding a new career, and even tries to become a cheap hooker. Lois reminds him of his long-standing dream of becoming a Renaissance fair jouster. In a flashback, Peter remembers how he had a bad acid trip as a teenager. He jumped from a roof while attempting to fly and was saved by the Black Knight (Will Ferrell) on horseback. Peter enrolls in joust training with Mort, displaying enthusiasm but little patience for speaking in "ye"s and "thou"s. When the Black Knight's girlfriend flirts with Peter, the Knight bullies him into leaving the Fair. Peter remains inconsolable despite his family's encouragement but decides to watch the joust from the stands.
Unsurprisingly, the Black Knight defeats all challengers, inspiring Mort to flee in terror, before their horses near each other. The Black Knight notices Peter in the stands and begins berating him. Suddenly determined to defeat the Black Knight, Peter challenges him. Certain doom is averted when the Black Knight is distracted by an announcement that his Hyundai is being towed (by a vengeful Mort). Peter unhorses him and wins the competition. Peter refuses an offer to join the Renaissance Fair as their new champion jouster, and the family leaves for home. They note that Peter still has no job. Lois says the situation reminds her of the episode of The Honeymooners in which Ralph lost his job and did not get it back by the end of the episode.
“A Fish out of Water”
Jobless, unmotivated, and depressed, Peter becomes ridiculously fatter.
Inspired by a "walk" on the docks (assisted by Brian and a forklift) on which he is confused with Mercury, he resolves to lose the weight and become a fisherman. Afterwards, he loses the weight without explanation. Joe takes Peter to a police seized-property auction, where Peter buys a boat for $50,000; he names the boat "S.S. More Powerful Than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together."
To pay for the vessel, Peter takes out a loan with his house as collateral. The bank is so certain that Peter will default on the loan that they sell the house to another family and repossess his furniture before the payment deadline arrives. Peter must now raise $50,000 before the imminent deadline arrives or his house and furniture will be permanently taken away from him. Peter's new fishing career does not prove very successful. One fellow fisherman tricks him with a "good fishing spot." The coordinates given to Peter (42 degrees North, 71 degrees West) are just northwest of the town of Bridgewater, Massachusetts, which is approximately 15 miles inland. Peter ends up crushing a clown at a child's bar mitzvah. Thus, the other fisherman mistreat Peter.
Rejecting Quagmire's idea of prostituting himself to fat women for quick cash, Peter decides to catch the legendary killer fish Daggermouth for a $50,000 reward. Seamus, the fisherman with two wooden legs, and two wooden arms, warns Peter about the fish. Peter decides to forge on anyway. Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe accompany him on his quest. They spend time on the boat, drinking beer and talking. When Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire are talking about which woman they would have if they were not married, Joe chooses Mariel Hemingway, Cleveland chooses Margaret Thatcher (due to the fact that he finds power sexy), Peter chooses "the chick from Total Recall with the three knockers", and Quagmire chooses Taylor Hanson, but freaks out when Peter and Joe reveal that Hanson is a male.
Meanwhile, Lois and Meg go on spring break, but Lois fits in better with the party crowd than Meg does. In a moment of exuberance, Meg flashes her breasts; both she and Lois are quickly arrested. They escape from the police car and are returning home when a car full of spring breakers from school pull alongside them, honking and yelling. They are not just cheering for Lois, as it first appears, but Meg as well; Meg obliges them by flashing again (with one boy saying “One is an innie; one is an outie”).
Peter and his friends manage to track the fish to his lair, where they discover Daggermouth is a robotic fish created to generate a demand for merchandise. In exchange for his silence, Salty gives Peter $50,000, which he promptly uses to pay off the loan, buy back his furniture, and get the other family out of his house (although the episode ends with them still there).
Quagmire babysits Meg, Chris and Stewie while Peter accompanies Lois on a visit to her pregnant, newly single sister Carol. When Carol goes into labor, Peter drives her to the hospital, stopping only for cheeseburgers (and a kid's meal for Carol's baby of course). Carol's obstetrician, Dr. Hartman mistakenly jabs himself with several needles, and faints, leaving Peter to deliver the baby himself. Reminded of the wonderful experience of childbirth, Peter tells Lois that he wants to have another child. Lois gleefully tells the rest of the family, but Stewie is less than enthusiastic. He feels threatened in his position as the youngest and resolves to prevent the conception of another sibling.
Stewie attempts to interfere in a romantic moment by crying for attention. Foiled in this effort, he smears one of Peter's shirt collars with lipstick but gets distracted by his own image in the mirror. In another attempt, he chloroforms Peter and utilizes a mechanical replica of him to insult Lois, but Chris accidentally knocks him out the window, where Stewie jumps out in front of Cleveland. When a candlelit dinner threatens to lead to intimacy between his parents, Stewie shrinks himself and a spaceship-like vessel and enters Peter's body to destroy his sperm.
In his well-armed craft, Stewie easily slaughters the defenseless sperm with one exception: Bertram, who seems to be just as diabolically clever as Stewie himself. After a brief struggle and standoff, Stewie realizes that they have much in common. Additionally, with Bertram's help, he could accomplish many goals, including Lois' murder. They part on amicable terms, but Stewie has only moments before the ship reverts to its normal size. After a narrow escape through Peter's tear duct, Stewie steers the craft back to his room with no time to spare.
Peter and Lois, however, reconsider having another child, to Stewie's chagrin. He frantically tries to get her and Peter to resume their plans ("You must receive his seed!"), but Peter retreats to the bathroom and masturbates with the assistance of a lingerie catalog. Stewie, appalled at the apparent death of Bertram, despairs until he notices a twinkle in Peter's eye signifying that Bertram is still alive. His relief is only momentary as he realizes that his unborn brother may be too clever.
“To Live and Die in Dixie”
Chris gets a newspaper route to pay for a birthday gift for a girl he likes. At a convenience store, he witnesses a robbery and identifies the thief out of a lineup. However, Peter shows up and tells the thief (not knowing he's the thief) that he's here to pick up Chris who was going to "finger the guy who held the convenience store" and then stupidly proceeds to give the thief a picture of Chris with a list of his school schedules and his greatest fears. When the thief escapes and swears revenge on Chris (shortly after he bangs his girlfriend), the family is placed in the Witness Protection Program. The Griffins are relocated to Bumblescum, a tiny town in the deep South. Peter (after making his car look like The General Lee and playing The Dukes of Hazzard) becomes sheriff with Brian as his deputy. Stewie joins a hillbilly jug band (called "Stewie and the Cowtones"), Meg becomes popular with her classmates and Chris meets Sam (Kathleen Wilhoite), whom he assumes is a boy.
Chris (after Sam kisses him) assumes Sam is gay. As Chris writes in a journal about what happened with Sam, Brian hears the whole thing (as Chris was thinking out loud). Chris explains that kissing Sam kinda felt right. When they meet again, Chris tells Sam that he likes him but only as a friend. Sam seems cool with this and when they are about to go swimming it is reveled to Chris (by the bra and long hair) that Sam is a girl. Due to the fact that Chris has had bad experience with girls (as seen in the beginning of the episode) he now feels awkward around Sam. At the hootenanny (or hoedown), Sam explains to Chris that he had no problem talking to her, when he thought she was a guy, so she tells Chris to think of her as a boy who he can make out with. The criminal tracks Chris down to Bumblescum (because the FBI told him where Meg was but not Chris) but during the confrontation the criminal is shot by Sam's father.
Despite offending the town earlier when Peter corrected their Civil War reenactment, they still were willing to take care of their neighbors. With the criminal gone, the Griffins return to Quahog and Chris has to leave Sam behind.
“Screwed the Pooch”
While Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe are playing poker, Joe suggests they take Peter to Atlantic City after seeing Peter's "poker face." Peter can't, as he and his family are going to visit his in-laws, despite the fact that his father-in-law hates him. Peter starts cultivating himself, without success. Meanwhile, Brian's sex drive has been strong lately, and becomes almost uncontrollable after he sniffs the vulva of a female dog at the park. Lois and Peter are oblivious to it until they catch him masturbating in the bathroom. Lois believes it is normal, and suggests that Brian go with them to get time off and help clear his mind he says no, but he eventually decides it would be the best choice.
The family goes to visit Lois' parents, and Peter finally wins the respect and friendship of Carter Pewterschmidt, Lois' wealthy and elitist father after helping him win a poker match, which involved Michael Eisner, Bill Gates, and Ted Turner. Later, Eisner, Gates, Carter, and Peter go out smashing mailboxes to have some "extra fun."
Not long after, the cordiality between Peter and Carter is destroyed when Brian violates Sea Breeze - Carter's prize-winning racing greyhound - at the racetrack, also causing their bet to be lost. Sea Breeze ends up pregnant, and Brian is immediately blamed. Brian wants to raise the puppies himself, but Carter disapproves, so Brian elopes with Sea Breeze and they run away together in hopes to raise the puppies together.
With help from Eisner and Gates, Sea Breeze is tracked down to a motel they were hiding inside of a room. The custody case soon after goes to court, Carter brings up sordid details of Brian's past and personality to destroy his chances of gaining custody. During the trial, Brian demonstrates himself to know much about the Griffin children, proving that he would indeed be a caring father for his puppies.
It is decided by the judge that in order to have custody of his puppies, Brian must be neutered. Brian faces a tough decision of would he rather have custody of his puppies or keep his testicles. Just as Brian goes under the knife, he, Lois, and Peter discover that the puppies are born, but they don't resemble Brian; they resemble Ted Turner. Brian doesn't get fixed and the three leave to go home, while Peter says "You know whats funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs, and I learned something today."
“Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother?”
When Chris starts speaking in black vernacular, Peter tries to get Chris to connect with his Irish heritage, and a trip to the genealogical library reveals the Griffin family has a black ancestor, Nate Griffin, who was a slave owned by the Pewterschmidt family. Meanwhile, Stewie becomes obsessed with the cheerleaders at Buddy Cianci Junior High because he believes they have mind control powers, and begins following them and listening to their conversations to learn about their techniques on how to pump up the audience during basketball games.
After Peter finds out about Nate in a book on Pewterschmidt family history, Peter demands "Rice Krispie treats" from Carter Pewterschmidt, who gives him $20,000. Peter squanders the money to convert the living room into a replica of Pee-wee's Playhouse, which angers Lois. While spying on the cheerleaders in the locker room at school, Stewie hears the lead cheerleader, Cindi, yelling at the squad for messing up on their pyramid during practice. He then realizes that the pyramid is their source of power, so he plots to get rid of Cindi to take her place at the top of the pyramid at the upcoming game. At the game, Peter becomes alienated by both the black and white communities, while Stewie kidnaps Cindi, binds her with rope and covers her mouth with duct tape, and hides her in the men's bathroom. He comes out dressed as her and attempts to control the audience by telling them to stab each other with knives. The pyramid falls and Stewie drops the microphone. Peter picks it up and announces to the audience that he realizes he made a mistake and that he will be sharing his reparation money with both his black and white brothers. Quagmire finds Cindi still hidden in the bathroom stall and is delighted, and exclaims "Dear diary... JACKPOT!".
“Ready, Willing, and Disabled”
Chris organizes a car wash to raise money for his fellow classmate Paul, in an iron lung so he can get a new liver. When a thief wearing a Jimmy Carter mask steals the proceeds, Joe chases after him and recovers the money, but fails to catch the perp.
This failure severely depresses him, until a "conveniently placed news report" (shortly thereafter referenced on the news as an upcoming segment, "the benefit of conveniently placed news reports") leads Peter to suggest to Joe that he should enter the Special People's Games (a parody of the Paralympic Games, with a logo consisting of five interlocking wheelchairs). Peter drives Joe mercilessly in training for the games.
Meanwhile, Meg, Chris and Stewie fight over a money clip holding $26 while hoping no one else claims it. Distrust flares among them and they repeatedly clash, trying to outwit each other for the money. Being a neutral party, Brian is elected to hold onto the clip, but, after seeing they are paranoid about his motives, he ultimately lets them fight for it, stating "I hope you kill each other over it." This leads to a nighttime brawl after Stewie gets the urge to steal it back.
Joe's most prominent rival at the Games is a wheelchair-bound motor neurone disease patient with a voice synthesizer (a homage to Stephen Hawking). Peter encourages Joe by citing George W. Bush's unwillingness to quit after losing the popular vote in the 2000 presidential election. Joe leads the field in the decathlon until a weak long-jump puts his victory in jeopardy. Peter secretly spikes Joe's sports bottle with steroids, and Joe wins the final race to clinch the gold medal. The pair become famous and make public appearances and press conferences around Quahog, until an agent talks Joe into signing a contract with him.
Peter is later stunned to see Joe commercially endorsing a cereal company, and he is furious upon seeing an inaccurate TV movie, Rolling Courage: The Joe Swanson Story, starring Tony Danza as Joe, Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie, and Bea Arthur as Peter. The movie has everything wrong, from Joe being crippled by crooks, whereas he was knocked off a roof by the Grinch, to how he decided to enter the Games (depicted without Peter's encouragement), and it portrays Peter as a discouraging slob, although in real life he encouraged Joe to go the distance. When Brian tells Peter that Joe is successful and inspirational because of his handicap, Peter decides to fake a handicap. Armed with a tape with poorly-done footage showing his "accident" (which included him running over a scarecrow who was supposed to be himself), Peter tracks down Tom Tucker and demands fame, commercials, and a TV movie based on himself featuring "Valerie Bertandernie" as Lois, but he fails to convince Tom. Jealous of Joe's fame and lucrative endorsement deals including when Joe failed to mention him as the encourager, Peter reveals his doping secret to the public, disgracing Joe. This leads to Joe surrendering his gold medal and sinking back into depression.
When someone finally arrives to claim the money clip, Joe recognizes him as the car wash thief. Joe chases him again, this time leading to the thief's arrest and death (ironically of a broken spine), and the return of Joe's faith in himself.
“A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas”
After Lois repeatedly reminds Peter to donate a present to charity, he mistakenly donates all of the family's Christmas gifts to a needy kids' charity. Lois seems unfazed by the mistake, but insists that the entire family shop for new presents at the mall. Peter reluctantly agrees, although he only wants to watch Kiss Saves Santa on television; Brian stays behind to keep an eye on the turkey cooking in the oven.
Lois encourages Stewie to star as baby Jesus in a nativity scene during the Quahog Christmas pageant. Although Stewie initially resists, he eventually plays along in hopes of pleasing Santa, who he believes is omnipotent and thereby can supply him with plutonium.
Meanwhile at the Griffin house, an ember shoots onto the family rug from the fireplace; while Brian tries to deal with this crisis, the overcooked turkey begins to burn. Brian finds a fire extinguisher, but to his dismay it is merely a novelty item filled with plastic snakes, which, upon being released into the fire, promptly explode and make it worse. The interior of the house is destroyed, but Brian escapes with minor burns. Amazingly, Lois maintains a cheerful attitude, saying that they just need to clean up a bit; but when Meg tells her that there are no more paper towels, Lois freaks out, in a parody of the "wire hangers" scene from Mommie Dearest. She screams at the family about how difficult it is to ensure that Christmas happens without a hitch, then runs from the ruined house on a rampage (Meg then finds some paper towels mere seconds after Lois' rampage).
Lois storms through town, berating happy people, enjoying the season for their ridiculous optimism. When she reaches the town square, she begins to climb the huge Christmas tree there, bent on destroying the ornamental star on top. The rest of the family arrives and Stewie, eager to perform a good deed to earn Santa's grace, performs an extemporaneous monologue about Jesus and the meaning of Christmas. Lois, watching Stewie, regains her sanity and begins to descend the tree; at that moment the police shoot her with a powerful tranquilizer dart at Peter's urging.
The next morning at Christmas, the family has gathered in the charred living room, happily opening their presents; Stewie gets his plutonium, Peter gets his own copy of Kiss Saves Santa, and Lois, as Peter would put it, is as cheerful as ever, despite still being heavily sedated, sitting limply in a rocking chair and drooling. In the closing scene, the Griffins wishes everyone a Merry Christmas (though Lois is still too numb to speak clearly).
“Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows”
Brian frets that he will never find an intelligent woman to love; after drinking heavily, he is charged by Joe for drunk driving. As part of his community service, he is sentenced to participate in the "Outreach to the Elderly" program and is assigned to a mean-tempered, elderly shut-in named Pearl Burton. Brian tries to deal with Pearl as patiently as he can, but after absorbing her abuse for several weeks, he loses his temper, releases his own storm of verbal abuse upon her and storms away.
Watching television that night, Brian sees a Mysteries and Scandals episode on E! about Pearl. From 1945 to 1960, she was a very successful jingle singer who was attractive and possessed a beautiful voice. Her attempt to become a normal, serious singer was a failure; in her 1961 debut at Carnegie Hall, the audience simply kept demanding that she perform their favorite jingles. After this disgrace, she disappeared from the public eye.
Brian is amazed to discover that there is much more to Pearl that meets the eye. He returns to Pearl's house just as she is preparing to hang herself. Narrowly preventing her death, he apologizes to her and tells her that he had never heard a more beautiful version of "Habanera" (from Georges Bizet's opera Carmen) before. Brian spends much more time with Pearl on a voluntary basis, and they grow very close and affectionate. Through an extravagant musical number, Brian encourages Pearl to overcome her agoraphobia.
Heartened by Brian's belief in her, Pearl strides proudly into the street, where she is immediately hit by a truck. Brian accompanies her to the hospital, where Pearl tells him not to blame himself because "aside from the truck part" it had been the best day of her life. She tells Brian that she wish that could spend a little more time together. Brian tells her they can. Brian shares a virtual reality experience with her in which they marry, have children and grow old together. As the vision finishes, Pearl quietly dies.
Meanwhile, Peter decides to grow a beard and a rare bird nests in his facial hair. He wants to shave it off, but he changes his mind upon learning that the bird is an endangered species. Initially irritated by the squawking, Peter is delighted to discover that three baby birds are growing in his beard. Peter's paternal instincts take over and he becomes a better parent to the birds than he ever was to his own children. When they mature, he tries to keep them from leaving his beard, but he finally has to bid them a sad farewell.
“From Method to Madness”
Brian and Lois attend a poorly acted one man show. Afterwards, Brian boasts that he could easily do a better job. Lois dares him to "put up or shut up", by auditioning for local theater. The judges are bored with Brian but are delighted with Stewie, who is immediately enrolled in a children’s performing arts school. When he overhears that both he and a bitter rival, Olivia, are in danger of being cut from the program, the pair hastily work together and end up becoming a massively popular duet. They share fame and success until their fighting breaks up the act; Olivia goes on to greater fame while Stewie, obsessed with his fleeting fame, loses touch with reality.
When Peter saves a drowning man, the Griffins are invited over to share dinner with his family. Lois and Peter are shocked to discover that the family are nudists. The man had been nude when Peter rescued him but Peter simply assumed the man's shorts were lost in the ocean. Their teenaged son (who is also a nudist) takes an interest in Meg. After devastating Meg with their refusal to accept the lifestyle, Peter and Lois shed their clothes to make him feel more welcome. This traumatizes Meg in different ways.
“Stuck Together, Torn Apart”
While the Griffins go to a bulk store, Stewie finds super glue and tries to taste some, but is stopped by Brian, whose hand is instantly joined to Stewie’s. The two spend the rest of the episode trying to hide their predicament until the release solvent arrives.
Meanwhile, Lois runs into an old boyfriend, named Ross Fishman, and the two go out to dinner to catch up on old times. Peter, growing suspicious, borrows Joe's new police surveillance van to spy on them. He becomes extremely jealous of her old boyfriend, so he finds his old date book and looks up past romantic interests to quell his envy. Lois becomes frustrated with his jealous antics, and the two go to couples' therapy. The therapist first has their daily lives recorded on tape so he can determine the best method to resolve their problems. The following week, seeing how screwed up their lives are, the therapist suggests they go on trial separation. Although they are both reluctant, they decide to give it a try.
Peter moves out of the house and, after spending some time to straighten out his thoughts, ends up dating Jennifer Love Hewitt, who turns out to be a niece of Peter's friend Mort Goldman. Lois goes on a date with Quagmire, and both couples end up at the same restaurant. Despite her disgust towards Peter, and his unpleasant antics, Hewitt becomes extremely attracted to him. Lois then unexpectedly displays her own jealous rage, driving Hewitt away. Now that Lois understands how Peter can get so envious, the two decide to live with their mutually jealous nature. Quagmire and Hewitt hook up, with Quagmire ordering a roofie coloda.
Cutting back to Stewie and Brian, just as the two start to drive each other crazy, the solvent finally arrives. The instructions state it will take effect within an hour after applying it, the two decide to take a walk to pass the time. Minutes before the glue is to dissolve, Stewie and Brian discover a little girl stuck in a well. Brian and Stewie manage to rescue her with seconds to spare (a local man with enlongated arms could have done it but he was too busy tickling a midget in a tree). Despite the glue being gone, the two decide to hold hands on the way home. The girl they saved, however, is revealed to be a midget woman, and the wife of the aforementioned midget. She is promptly thrown back in the well as her husband jumps in after her, and they are both tickled by the long-armed man.
“Road to Europe”
Stewie is entranced by a British TV program called Jolly Farm Revue (a parody of children's shows such as the Teletubbies). Lamenting his future in Quahog, Stewie decides to travel to Jolly Farm and live there forever. He sneaks aboard a transatlantic flight, intending to travel to London and find the BBC (where Jolly Farm is filmed). Brian chases after him, only to discover that they have landed in the Middle East instead. Stewie and Brian perform a musical number together as a diversion in order to steal a camel, which dies from exhaustion in the middle of the desert. At a nearby Comfort Inn, they steal a hot air balloon and gradually make their way to Vatican City (where they make fun of the Pope), then travel by train from Switzerland to Munich and inadvertently get stoned in Amsterdam. Upon finally arriving at the BBC studios, Stewie is horrified to learn that there is no actual farm (as cresting up "Happy Hill" runs into the set, showing some lights) and his beloved characters are mere actors (the story-telling pig is an old man who draws pornographic images in his "Magic Tome", and Mother Maggie smokes cigarettes and hates children). Disillusioned, Stewie shakes his head when Brian offers to buy him ice cream and McDonald's... he only nods his head in agreement when Brian asks him if he wants to "take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes". He travels back home with Brian and replaces his love of Jolly Farm Revue with a love of "funky fruit hats".
Meanwhile, Peter is overjoyed to hear about Kiss-stock, a five-night set of concerts in New England by his favorite band. He and Lois dress in face paint and leather, and stand only feet from the stage. When Gene Simmons points the microphone at Lois, encouraging her to sing the next line of "Rock and Roll All Nite", Peter is horrified to discover that she does not know the words. He accuses her of only pretending to be a Kiss enthusiast, and they leave the concerts in disgrace. To punish himself, Peter stops at a Denny's on the way home, where Kiss happens to have also stopped. Lois recognizes Gene Simmons without his makeup as Chaim Witz, whom she dated before he changed his name; Gene introduces her to the rest of the band, who have heard his stories of "Loose Lois". Peter's faith in Lois is restored, and he proudly shares the news on public-access television that his wife did Kiss.
“Family Guy Viewer Mail 1”
Brian and Stewie introduce the show, consisting of three short stories in response to requests they have received from viewers.
"No Bones About It"
Peter finds a genie in his beer who offers him three wishes. His first wish is to see what Kelly Ripa is like off-camera. She is apparently a horrible alien who eats living men's still-beating hearts. Ripa and co-host Regis Philbin voice themselves for this cutaway. His second wish is for his own theme music, which plays everywhere he goes and whatever he does. On a city bus, a brawny man (Bill Goldberg) grows irritated with Peter's bus riding theme music and threatens to break every bone in his body. Peter quickly wishes that he was boneless and collapses into a fleshy heap. When townspeople react with revulsion and horror towards him. After realizing that he is a burden to his family, he pulls out the drain in the bath and ends up in Hollywood and finds work as a stuntman's human airbag. Peter misses his family, though, and when a doctor offers him an experimental surgery to implant bones into his body, he takes the chance. The operation is successful, but he is horribly misshapen; he learns that his family (and a dead drifter to fill out the torso) donated bones to transplant into his body, and they all painfully amble away together. Peter mentions he was surprised that the operation was covered by his HMO.
After being exposed to toxic waste from a tanker truck, the Griffins develop superhuman powers. Stewie's head grows larger and he gains telekinetic abilities; Chris is able to start fires by thought; Peter can change into any person, animal or object; Lois becomes super-strong; Brian can move at incredible speed, traveling around the world in an instant; and Meg gains the "super-amazing" ability, to make her fingernails grow longer or shorter on command. Despite initial intentions to use their powers for good, they soon use their powers for personal gain. Meg wants a patch of Justin Timberlake's hair, so Peter goes to 'N Sync while impersonating Britney Spears (but still acting stereotypically male). Stewie steals a candy bar and the storekeeper orders him to pay for it. Stewie picks him up with his mind and throws him at the wall repeatedly. Lois is getting annoyed by traffic jams and picks up the car to carry it home, crushing other cars beneath her feet. Brian steals martinis at a bar from a lady and is seen very drunk when he stops(Note: Brian's example of misuse was taken out for the syndicated reruns). Chris sets a boy on fire for picking on him and accidentally burns down the entire school. Meg fails to terrorize anyone, as her abilities are simply not that frightening (though a Channel 5 news report still photo shows her popping a baby's balloon and she can deliver a painful scratch). The Griffins threaten the public and make absurd demands, threatening to kill anyone who disobeys them. Mayor West douses himself in toxic waste, hoping for powers with which to fight the Griffins, but develops lymphoma instead. With Mayor West in the hospital the Griffins see the error of their ways and dedicate themselves to good and helping West recover. So Stewie fluffs his pillow and Brian runs to China to see if they have a cure (they don't). Peter makes the entire room burst into laughter by shaping into the breasts of Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life (which Mayor West finds wonderful).
In a parody of The Little Rascals, five-year-old Peter, Brian, Quagmire, Joe (who is pulled around in a wagon; although it should be noted they don't meet until A Hero Sits Next Door), Cleveland, and Mayor West rebel in their "We Hate Broads Club". Adam Carolla reprises his role of Death. When young Lois Pewterschmidt joins their school, however, Peter and Quagmire are love-stricken. Attempting to impress Lois, both boys promise to spend the night in a spooky abandoned house to prove their courage. Wacky hijinks ensue as each group tries to scare the other; when they see an apparently "real" ghost, they all flee in terror, where Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons report on the events. Lois says that she is no longer impressed by bravery, however, and introduces Mort Goldman as her new boyfriend because she likes his intelligence. Peter and Quagmire swear off girls forever in disgust; thirty-five years later they are still womanless but, without the distraction of women, they have become incredibly wealthy (and are having sex with buttered bagels).
This episode is not considered to be in canon with the rest of the series (since all three ended in situations that disagreed with canon, and the third one also disagreed with established continuity for how some of the characters first met each other as adults). Hence, it is more akin to the various cutaways during a normal episode.
“When You Wish Upon a Weinstein”
Peter gives Lois’ “rainy day fund” to a scam artist selling volcano insurance. On that same night, Stewie breaks Meg’s glasses because he hates being watched while he sleeps. Lois then tells Peter that he needs to recover the money to buy their daughter a new pair of glasses. After hearing Quagmire and Cleveland talk how men with Jewish-sounding names have helped them achieve financial success, Peter decides that he needs a Jew to handle his money (though the fact that the men are Jewish is coincidental and Cleveland tells Peter he doesn't approve of his logic) in an elaborate musical number based on “When You Wish upon a Star.” When a Jewish man named Max Weinstein (Peter Riegert) has car trouble outside the Griffin house, Peter takes it as a sign. After a foot chase, Peter pressures Max into helping him get the emergency money back. Max later recovers the money from the scammer. After accompanying Max to a reform synagogue (“Temple Beth Thupporting Actor”) and inviting him over for dinner, Peter comes to the conclusion that Chris would get smarter if he converted to Judaism. He secretly drives Chris to Las Vegas, Nevada for a quickie Bar Mitzvah after Lois displays objection to his idea, but she arrives in Quagmire's car just in time to stop the ceremony. A crowd, angry that Lois is apparently insulting their religion, chases the Griffins until they escape onto a bus which is full of nuns who are not happy about Peter’s straying from Catholicism and whack the Griffins with rulers.