BOOS! & WHOOP-DOOS!: Jesse Ventura Vs. Small Wonder!
Jerry Supiran and Tiffany Brissette? Whoop-doo!
9/11. Even when you chalk this score in Beer Pong, it's tainted with a sense of remorse. The events of that date still haunt this great nation, resonating through our core foundation like a quaking fist to the spinal column. Not much has been said in recent months about this "so-called" terrorist attack on American soil. Imagine my surprise when I awoke early Sunday morning to hear new details in the case: The missing flight recorder "black boxes" were actually found and hidden away. Worse yet, the Terrorists were in the cockpit of flight 11 even before it left Logan Airport. Why have we never been given this information before?
Because it was just discovered in the recent, hard-hitting, no holds barred investigation into the 9/11 cover-up held by none other than professional wrestler-turned governor-turned whistle blower Jesse Ventura. His findings were first broadcast on December 9th at 10 pm while an icy palm of natural destruction wrecked havoc across the homeland. Why did we miss this the first time around? Were we too busy shoveling snow off our stoops to notice? Always one for a good cover-up and conspiracy theory, I was surprised I missed this hot potato news. Which was quickly concealed and shunned into a corner the moment some dude got on an airplane with a bomb in his underpants. Was a smoke-streak in a pair of tidy-whities employed by our internal government to hide and reject the claims being made by "The Body"?
Jesse? You better fucking look into this, or you're not doing your job.
I'm guessing not a lot of people have tuned into Ventura's new program on TruTV. I've heard zilch about the former pro wrestler's hard-nosed snooping skills since Conspiracy Theory debuted on December 2nd with a keen and insightful inspection of the HAARP military base in remote Alaska. I found it by accident, flipping through cable stations a little too early in the morning. There was Jesse, his booming cadence expelling those pesky terrorist rumors. "Brother, this was an inside job!" Those words tossed me off kilter. When it became clear exactly what it was I was watching, I was hooked. I became obsessed. An eternal fan of Leonard Nemoy and his 1970s Saturday Afternoon Awesomefest that was In Search Of..., Conspiracy Theory quickly became my new favorite show. Because its hilarious, and captivating, and frightening all at the same time. Whoop-doo!
This is good ol' fashioned Freedom of Speech American television. Most of it is quite ridiculous. Having gleefully delved into each and every episode, it's become quite clear that Jesse and his team aren't necessarily taking this "important nonsense" seriously. In nearly every single take, you can see a smile starting to curl up on the outset of Jesse's lips. The camera constantly seems to cut right before everyone on screen bursts into uncontrollable fits of laughter. God, I'd love to see the gag reel from this series. But I almost don't need to. Our gang, which consists of Jesse and his two investigative reporters Alex Piper and the smoking hot June Sarpong, a black gap-toothed chick with a sauce-dripping UK accent, are talking about some mighty weighty issues. We definitely need to know more about this stuff. And it's interesting. I'm literally wide-eyed the whole hour. Ventura's heart seems to be in the right place, and he's angry. We, as American people, need to be aware of what is going on at HAARP, an installation housing a dangerous doomsday weapon that can change the weather at will and shoot satellites out of orbit. Have you noticed the wacky wet, snow-laden weather lately? It turns on a dime. Yesterday it was 17 degrees outside and my hose was an icicle. Today it's 55 and sunny. I'd like to know more about this place called HAARP. I really would. Jesse seems to be the only one interested in offering up this information. And he's doing it in quite an entertaining way. I love that he's getting so much joy in taking the piss out of these particularly sensitive issues. Especially 9/11. But, dear God, why are they always on the verge of laughter? This shit ain't funny.
Actually it is. In the words of Brian KeShaun Gallagher, "It's pure hilarity." Jesse is able to get his hands on some fairly important information. Stuff that, according to his show, has been locked away airtight. So far he's plunged headfirst into the lie known as "Global Warming". The truth behind "Big Brother". And he's exposed the ruthless secret society "The Buildaburger Group". And here I thought that was a fast food emporium in Burbank. My eyes bugging from the edge of the couch cushion, I bought into this show hook, line, and sinker. Then someone came in the room and said, "How the heck is Jesse being allowed this information when it's purposely being hidden away from the general populace by an Impenetrable One World Government? If something's really going on, do you honestly think "The Body" is going to be the one to expose it? You're not going to learn anything the Government doesn't want us to know by watching Jesse Ventura."
There's some validity to that statement. I guess. Until you recognize that Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura is consistently failing to nab advertisers. Or any support from Entertainment Publications. EW has a pretty extensive TV section in the back of their magazine. They're always quick to point out "jizz like thizz". So far, they haven't made a peep about Jesse and his groovy new whistle-blowing thunderclap of a television series. Is it because the ratings are low? They shouldn't be. This is one of the most entertaining faux-reality programs on cable at the moment. I decided to do a little investigative work myself. It didn't take long to come up with the name Cass Sunstein, a former Harvard law professor and now Obama appointed head of U.S. Information and Regulatory Affairs. On January 14th of this year, it was exposed that Sunstein had outlined a plan for the government to infiltrate conspiracy groups in order to undermine and destroy them (a direct attack on our constitutional right to freedom of speech). The day before this news broke, Jesse Ventura aired his final episode of Conspiracy Theory. E01S07: Apocalypse 2012 took an incisive and detailed look at the impending disaster and how the government is covering it up. There were supposed to be more episodes after this. But all movement on Conspiracy Theory has stopped. Nothing has since been updated on Jesse's website. I tried calling the producers of the show. They have all disappeared, too. So I got John Cena on the line. He hasn't seen or heard from Jesse in quite some time. I can't even find a repeat of his series on my DVR. And TruTV was airing these back-to-back non-stop just a few days ago.
Where is Jesse? Why aren't there any more new shows? Was he really onto something big? In S01E05: Secret Societies, we learn that someone is out to silence and maybe even kill the former Governor. Is the show suddenly on cease and desist? Did Sunstein shut ol' Jesse down like bank on a Sunday? That would be a shame. The Body still had a lot to uncover. I want to see more shows. For example:
The Underpants Bomber: Was he a plant used by the US government to get our eyes off of Health Care? Or was he a plant used to strip away more of our freedoms? Jay Reatard: Was he murdered by his two former band mates for threatening to pop the tires on their tour bus? Or was he a government informer sneaking horrible truths into his music? Artie Lange: Did he really knife himself? Or did an assassin do it because he expels far too many truths in his new Jack & Coke CD/DVD. Conan O'Brien: Was he axed because of low ratings? Or was he given a pink slip because he knows too much about the impending rise of the One World Government? I have it on good authority that CoCo is the real John Connor.
(Go Team CoCo!)
Inquiring minds, like mine, want to know. Most importantly, I want to know what became of the kids on Small Wonder. Sure, Jerry Supiran, who played Vicki's human brother Jamie Lawson on the long running syndicated series, offers up an audio commentary on the soon-to-be released Season 1 box set DVD. (Whoop-doo!). But he's nowhere to be seen. There are no follow-up on-camera interviews. No behind the scenes documentaries. No reunion footage. And I can't find a recent picture of him on the Internet anywhere, even though I scoured every last digital outpost in this horrible wasteland. Scarier yet, Tiffany Brissette, the girl behind the robot, doesn't even give voice on the audio commentary. There are some recent "clips" of her appearance on a local morning television show. But when you click on the box, it goes black. The footage has been removed. There are only two pictures of the grown-up Vicki to be found. But are these really her? Jesse Ventura wouldn't be so sure if he still had a voice. And my suspicions have been peaked.
Its been long rumored that Supiran grew up to be Bill Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins. Examining photos of the two, this is very much a possibility. Except that their birthdates are too far apart (approximately six years, easily faked). In truth, this rumor was pushed forward in the 1990s to cover up the fact that Vicki was a real robot. Throughout the series' four-year run, Vicki doesn't seem to age much. Producers claimed this was because they'd shot multiple seasons back-to-back without a break. In actuality, Vicki was a special effect created by the now defunct SunBurst Visual Effects Company, out of San Dimas, California. With life-like silicone skin and a brain on loan from Hewlett Packard, the small android easily passed for human. The government was quick to swoop in and restrain this amazing new invention in robotics. They soon discovered that a sitcom would work to their advantage in exploiting and integrating an android such as Vicki into our everyday lives. Just as the Grey Alien has been incorporated into our daily existence via television shows, stoner wall posters, and magazine ads. So that when the Government reveals them as fact, we won't be so freaked out. We will have acclimated our senses to these unexplainable sci-fi anomalies.
A sitcom about a child robot would ease our thoughts, and dull us from a world taken over by machines. The Apocalyptic horror stories found in The Matrix and The Terminator wouldn't seem so threatening with a young, cute girl standing in as their spokeswoman. As the show went on, the Government realized the advances in Artificial Intelligence offered by Vicki were useless. She did not have the super human strength seen on the show (as evident by the shoddy visual effects). And she could only respond to and perform the dialogue that was programmed into her by the series' writers. This highly articulate moving doll was soon seen as nothing more than a receptacle for perverts and pedophiles looking for a quick fix. The Agents in charge of deciding Vicki's fate toyed with releasing these replicantes into society as a means to keep child molesters off the street. It was morally wrong, and proved to be a failure, as in most case studies, though the robot was life like, it didn't keep particular criminal urges from working their way into society.
After four years on the air, Vicki was retired and moved into a hanger not unlike the one we see at the beginning of Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Now with the DVD being release on February 16th, inquiring minds are starting to wonder what happened to Tiffany, the "girl" that play the robot. Shout, the company in charge of releasing the disc into the market place, has hired an actress to come in and assume the adult role. But that's proven tricky because fact-checking fans have uncovered her as a phony. Hence, those black video boxes on the Internet that used to house an interview with this "supposedly" grown up "actress".
Is this true? We may never know now that Obama and Sunstein have completely wiped Jesse Ventura's very existence off this planet. If The Body does reemerge, I'd like to see him take on the case of Small Wonder and the real little girl robot. This is one conspiracy that has kept me dumb and hot for far too long.
In the meantime, it's my honest belief that Small Wonder is in need of a big screen adaptation. My vision for the film: Jesse Ventura hunts down Ted Lawson, who has been living in seclusion ever since his wife died in a horrible drunk driving accident. He convinces the robotics engineer to pull Vicki out of storage and dust her off. The U.S. military, on a mission led by Navy Seal Jamie Lawson, needs to reboot Vicki and use her in a sting operation to infiltrate a child prostitution ring. Ventura and Vicki storm Taiwan to rescue a cache of young kidnapped children, thus turning the country into one giant fireball. Its basically a Rambofied version of the original sitcom that puts the small robot to good use. Tell me that wouldn't be eye-meltingly awesome. You know it would be. Mother fucking haters.
Will Jesse every return to the airwaves? Have Obama and Sunstein slit his throat? Is he in the trunk of a Sedan headed to the desert as we speak? That's quite likely. And a disappointment. I wanted more Conspiracy Theory. I admire Ventura for his audacity. And there are a lot of unanswered questions out there. I just wish he'd stop cracking up. "Who's laughing now, Jesse?"
Keep your eyes to the sky. Eat food. Kill Grandma. Whoop-doo!